Closet Cookies
by Jojo6
Summary: It's about closets. Really. S/J. Quite silly. Season 6.


Disclaimer: Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 is an original MGM, Greenburg/Anderson, Gekko, Top Secret, Kawoosh! production. Any material relating to Stargate SG-1 is for entertainment only, and is in no way meant as an infringement on copyrights. In other words, I own nadda. 

Rating: PG 

Summary: Um, cookies. But, it's been beta-ed this time - thanks guys! 

Spoilers: Season 6. McKay's in it. And Jonas. Why do I pick on Jonas? Why, why, why? I'm so ambivalent about him as well. Except for that underwater thing, that was pretty cool. 

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Jack wandered down the corridors aimlessly, wondering what to do. He mentally ticked off the things he could do in his spare time in the SGC (and, yes, it was *spare* time - he had done all his paperwork). He'd already had lunch. He'd already dropped in to see Teal'c, wandered past Carter's lab a couple of times (okay, five times) until she noticed him, watched a standard UAV launch, practiced the new yo-yo trick Cassie had taught him, checked his e-mail and crashed his computer. 

He was all out of ideas. 

Until he realized. 

He'd visited Teal'c. He'd visited Carter. Had this been a year ago, he would have visited Daniel. 

But this wasn't a year ago. Daniel wasn't around anymore. He was... off doing the Great Jellyfish Impression. 

Sighing, Jack paused and made a decision. He supposed it was about time he reinstated the tradition and it wasn't as if it was going to cause him any real pain, was it? 

So he decided to go and visit Jonas. 

Jonas worked in his quarters - several rooms that had been kindly allocated to Jonas since he wasn't allowed to leave the mountain by himself until he'd 'adjusted'. Quite how long that adjusting was gonna take Jack didn't know. To him, Jonas Quinn was about as alien as Teal'c. On occasion, more so. Nobody was that quick a study. 

The main room, where all Jonas's books, work and entertainment was located, was basically open to the public all day and night. It was into this room that Jack wandered to find his latest geek bent intently over the computer, plodding slowly at the keys, peering at the screen. 

This amused him. Jonas the genius unable to figure out a computer? 

''I thought you were a quick study.'' 

The young man jumped as if he'd been doing something unlawful. Then he grinned. ''Oh, hey, Colonel. How are you?'' 

''I'm fine, Jonas. What are you doing?'' 

''Well... I'm... well, I'm on the Internet,'' he said with great pride. 

Jack raised his eyebrows. ''You're allowed to do that?'' he asked sarcastically. 

''Why wouldn't I be? I mean, I'm not allowed to go into the forums or use e-mail...'' 

''Sarcasm, Jonas. Look it up. Just exactly what are you doing on the Internet?'' 

''I'm...'' He paused, and not because he'd run out of words, but because something rather extraordinary had just distracted him. 

Carter. 

She had, in fact, just swung around the door and was busy panting a few steps in the room. 

''Sir!'' she said in surprise, then panted some more, her cheeks flushed and eyes bright. 

''Carter? Weren't you just in your lab?'' 

She looked from Jonas back to Jack, Jonas, Jack, Jonas, Jack. ''Yes, sir... I was. Um...'' Clearly at a loss, she began creeping towards a wall covered in shelves, except for the door into a closet. ''I'm.. just gonna...'' Then, hurriedly pulling open a closet door, she stepped inside and closed the door behind her. 

Jack blinked. 

''Jonas?'' 

''Colonel?'' 

''Carter just went into your closet.'' 

''Mmm.'' Not worried in the least, Jonas went back to peering at the screen. ''What does 'Invalid Page Fault' mean?'' 

Finding himself inexplicably pissed off that Carter was hiding in Jonas's closet, Jack puffed himself up threateningly. ''Jonas - what is Carter doing...... hey!'' 

Two women - a lieutenant and a captain, suddenly rounded the door and skidded to a halt halfway into the room. ''Sir!'' they cried, looking at him with wide, slightly terrified eyes. 

''What is going on here?'' Jack demanded furiously. 

The women gaped wordlessly at him, apparently unable to form a sensible sentence of explanation. 

Jonas merely glanced up, apparently not concerned. ''Oh, hi. Um, Major Carter's in there - so you could fit in there if you like,'' he said to the two women. 

''Thanks, Jonas,'' they breathed, running to the closet door and pulling it open. They then began to squeeze inside. 

Jack got snippets of the conversation as the door closed behind them. 

''- sorry, Major.'' 

''- all right, Lieutenant. Watch my hand.'' 

''Yes, ma'am.'' 

'' - um, Major Carter, could you move a little to the... thanks.'' 

The door closed completely. There was silence. 

Jack closed his eyes. It was official. He was nuts. The SGC had done what it had been threatening to do to him since the beginning. It had made him crazy. 

''Tell me this is a hallucination, Jonas. Daniel is going to pop out of the woodwork any moment now. He's gonna... glow out of the woodwork. Poof! Just like that. I just know it. Jonas, tell me, now, what are they doing in your closet?'' 

''Hiding.'' 

''*Hiding?*'' 

Jack's impression of a goldfish took on amazing accuracy. 

Invariably, another woman turned up before Jack could find it in himself to express just how crazy the world was becoming. This time, the woman was a cadet that Jack vaguely remembered was Hammond's latest flunky. She gazed at Jack in terror, dark eyes widened. Her hands flapped aimlessly at her sides. ''Sir!'' 

''Yes, yes, I'm here,'' Jack said impatiently. He was beginning to see a pattern. And, hell, why couldn't he join in the madness? He gestured to the closet through which his 2IC had gone. '' The others are in the closet.'' 

''Oh,'' she breathed. ''H.. h... how many, sir?'' 

''Hey, Emily. No, you'll have to go in the store room,'' Jonas said, leaning back in his creaking chair to look at the young woman. He pointed across the room to another door. ''Kate Hailey's in there and Jessica March and... and.. what's-her-name... Maria! Maria Therell. Probably best to try there. The other closet's full up.'' 

''Oh! Thanks, Jonas,'' she gushed. She nodded at Jack, saluted energetically. ''Sir!'' 

He managed to get his hand halfway up to his head before he realized that it was pointless. This was all a dream. 

The young woman scurried across the room and pulled open another door. ''Hi, guys,'' she greeted the occupants, ''move over.'' 

Calmly, Jack waited until the door was closed. It was strange. The world certainly seemed real. And Daniel hadn't popped out of the woodwork yet. Not that there was much wood in the mountain. 

Jack made a decision. 

Crazy he may well be - but there were still people hiding in Jonas's closet. 

''Right, Jonas, if you don't tell me why half the women on base are hiding in your room, I'm gonna take away your weather channel and...'' 

Jonas was frowning. ''Don't they do this to you?'' he interrupted. 

''Hide in my quarters? No. Not usually, Jonas.'' Though there had been that really weird affair with Carter on Christmas Eve when they'd... he wasn't going to think about that just then. ''Suffice to say this isn't usual Air Force practice, Jonas. What are they hiding from?'' 

''Not 'what', *who*.'' He shrugged lightly and went back to tapping away at his keyboard. '' Some guy.'' 

''Some *guy*?'' 

Whoever it was - he had to be pretty scary for Carter to be running scared. 

Wait, wait, what was he thinking? Carter? Hiding from a guy? It just... just wouldn't *happen*. She was Carter. *She* was scary. 

What the hell was going on here? 

''Jonas - who are they hiding from? And why?'' 

Jonas frowned at the screen, leaned forward real close. ''Okay, this can't be right. All these windows keep opening up on the screen. Hey, this one... online casinos. That looks like fun!'' 

Jack sat down on a stool. It was clear he wasn't going to get any answers from Jonas. 

Three minutes, twenty-four seconds and six Air Force women later, Jack was really surprised to see a *man* wander in to the office. That scientist guy on loan from the Pentagon... Dr... Mac... Mc... McCoy! Dr McCoy, that was it. The guy who had a crush on Carter and had been repelled appropriately. 

''Hey, Quinn,'' he said, ignoring Jack completely, '' you seen Major Carter?'' 

Jonas shook his head. ''No. No one ever comes down here,'' he said sadly. 

Jack looked at Jonas sharply. He was getting a sneaking suspicion.... 

''I could have sworn I saw Cadet Therell heading this way...'' 

Striking a confused expression, Jonas looked from the computer. ''But I thought you were looking for Major Carter.'' 

Leaning back on his heels, McCoy shrugged. ''Well, you know... you haven't seen anyone, Jonas?'' 

Jack stared at the guy threateningly. Surely they weren't... were they? Were they hiding from *this* creep? The lemon chicken guy? 

It was time for some action. 

Jack stood up to his full height, pleased to see he was towering over the man. ''Are you bothering my Major, McCoy?'' 

Not concerned, McCoy looked up at him casually. ''McKay, I think you'll find.'' 

''Do I look like I care? I asked you a question: are you bothering my Major?'' 

''Oh - so she's *your* Major, is she?'' 

''Yes.'' He took a step forward. ''She is.'' 

McKay blinked. ''You mean that don't you?'' 

''Yes.'' Another step. ''I do.'' 

Blink, blink. ''Right. Um, thanks for that Jonas... if you see... never mind.'' He about-faced and practically ran out of the room. 

Satisfied with himself, Jack all but brushed his hands together in accomplishment. ''So... they're hiding from him.'' 

''Yeah,'' Jonas sighed. ''It all started last week when Major Carter suddenly dove into my closet while she was talking to me about motorcycles...'' He shook his head wearily. ''Then all the others seemed to... flock here. They have cookies and a coffee making machine in that closet. And the other one has reading lights and magazines. I'm not sure about the third one but I have a feeling there's a TV in there.'' 

Coffee? TV? ''And you don't mind?'' 

''Not really. Besides, it gives them an alibi.'' 

''An alibi?'' 

''Yeah.'' 

Jonas made a face. ''Well, I know Major Carter has something planned for him.'' 

''Something planned,'' Jack repeated, an ominous feeling in her stomach. 

''Yeah. Something to do with the lab he's been assigned and his computer... she's done something....'' 

''Something.'' 

''Mmm. Something. Something... bad.'' 

Something bad. 

*Right* 

Jack looked at the closet. ''That fits three, right?'' 

''Yeah.'' 

He stalked towards the door and pulled it open. ''Right, you, you, out,'' he ordered, pointing to the two women on either side of his 2IC. 

''Yessir!'' 

They scrambled out, brushing cookie crumbs from their uniform and wiping their mouths with the back of their hands. 

''Bye, Jonas!'' 

''Thanks, Jonas!'' 

Jack leaned on the door jamb and peered in the closet at his Major. She looked at him sheepishly. 

''Hi,'' she said, licking the end of a finger. 

The slight hint of pink tongue did it. 

Jack stepped inside, climbed over the boxes that were partially blocking the doorway. He closed the door and carefully edged over to sit down next to his major. ''Just what exactly have you done to McCoy's computer?'' 

She offered him a cookie. ''Um... you'll find out soon enough.'' 

''I will?'' 

The klaxons started blaring suddenly and Jack looked at her sharply. ''Tell me that has nothing to do with you,'' he said. 

She winced. ''Sorry, sir.'' 

THE END 


End file.
